Deart Fur Children

Dear Fur-Children,
When Mom says to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions so that you are still in the way. Your brown eyes will not win you the best seat in the house. Just because Mom went to get a glass of water
doesn't mean you have next dibs on her seat.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a pawprint in
the middle of Mom's plate and food does not stake your claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor does Mom find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating Mom to the bottom is not the object. Tripping Mom doesn't help, because
Mom falls faster than you can run. So don't complain when your paw or
tail gets injured. Mom's cast is a far more serious result of your need
to go fast.
Mom cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. She is very sorry
about this. Do not think Mom will continue to sleep on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping; they can actually
curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. Mom also knows that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end
to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
When Mom is working on the computer, jumping up and trying to grab the
mouse through the glass is not helpful. Barking at Mom because she's not
helping you achieve your goal does not win you any extra brownie points.
Mom's compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, and try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. Mom must exit through the
same door she entered. In addition, Mom has been using bathrooms for
years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss Mom, go smell other dog's butt. Mom cannot
stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you guys to
make.
Lastly, please do not drag your butt on the carpet, and if you must puke
then look for the linoleum, and if you have a butt cling-on do not hide
under the bed, and if you must eat Kleenex eat it all don't leave the
bits of wet small gobs all over the house....and if I catch you with my
best lace undies on your head one more time you become a permanent
OUTDOOR dog. That means more shots for you and a dingy little house, no
bed, and none of the lovely privileges you have already granted
yourself.
Much love to you my good buddy. It helps that you are a perfect listener
when it doesn't involve anything you have done. That you share your body
heat unconditionally. That you seem to have a permanent grin. That your
eyelids flap when you hang your head out the car window. That you have a
strength and endurance I can only envy. And that you have taught me that
there is a time to work a time to play and a time to rest. Dogs really
are a best friend, and I swear you understand every word I say.
Love Mom